Man, It’s Gonna Be A Hot One

Memorial Day Weekend, the unofficial start of summer, was something of a wash last weekend. But there’s absolutely no reason why we can’t just arbitrarily declare this weekend the true unofficial start of summer, because it is going to be hot as heck out there very soon. So hot in fact that the State of New York is preemptively asking that you all… chill out.

Governor Andrew Cuomo sent out a statement today warning New Yorkers to prepare for an extended period of heat and humidity starting this weekend, which is expected to continue through the middle of the week. Parts of New York will be encased within a “heat dome,” which the NOAA defines as “high-pressure circulation in the atmosphere (that) acts like a dome trapping heat at the surface and favoring the formation of a heat wave.” That heat dome moving eastward will merge with moisture flowing from the southeast to create EXTREME temperatures and humidity.

We’re talking heat index values reaching the low-to-mid 90s, humidity levels remaining at consistently oppressive levels, air conditioner units on max, and Rorschach-like sweat stains in the shape of various states emerging from the tight t-shirts of heat-addled locals.

“The first heat wave of 2021 is about to blanket the state with sweltering temperatures and thick humidity for several days beginning Sunday, and I urge all New Yorkers to take action to prevent heat-related illnesses or injury,” Cuomo said. “Young children, seniors and those with respiratory conditions are particularly vulnerable to this type of weather. Check on neighbors and limit outdoor activity to ensure you and your loved ones remain safe and healthy through these extreme temperatures.”

The state has offered a few heat tips, including:

  • Avoid strenuous activity and exercise, especially during the sun’s peak hours of 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.
  • Exercise and activity should be done in the early morning between 4 a.m. and 7 a.m.
  • Drink plenty of water and non-caffeinated beverages.
  • Stay out of the sun and try to cool off in an air-conditioned building for a few hours during the hottest part of the day.
  • If you must go outdoors, wear sunscreen, loose-fitting, lightweight and light-colored clothing. Cover as much skin as possible.
  • Do not leave children, pets or those who require special care in a parked car or vehicle during periods of intense summer heat.

Here are a few tips I have to offer on top of those:

  • Avoid strenuous activity and exercise between all hours
  • Exercise and activity should only be done in your mind palace
  • Drink plenty of [whatever your heart desires], but also water
  • Go to one of NYC’s eight public beaches, which are now all officially open with minimal COVID restrictions, but do bring a hat and/or fashionable parasol
  • Lock yourself in a freezer for the next 72 hours or so
  • And finally, if in doubt, ask yourself: what would this dog do?!?: